trying to reacquire life

Midnight thought:

Have you ever hated yourself so bad that you almost wanted to end your life and wishing that you’ll wake up somewhere in other part of the world in different season? Just like the novel, Veronika Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho. “It tells the story of 24-year-old Slovenian Veronika, who appears to have everything in life going for her, but who decides to kill herself.”

 I’ll get real. Sometimes, I hate being myself. I know that this is just part of the human condition and there’s nothing characteristically wrong with me. I’m pretty sure that there’s no exception having a feeling of self-hatred. But the thing is, I don’t know where is this coming from.

Honestly, I feel sorry for everyone who tried to reach me out but I can’t even say a single hello. I don’t know why I push away people that could possibly care about me.

I am scared.

I am in pain.

I am a failure.

I am meaningless.

I am shit.

But don’t worry I’m doing my best to stop hating myself a little less.  Maybe, all I need is time.

Time to forgive people.

Time to heal.

Time to grow.

Time to dream.

Learn myself better.

Learn to say “no”

I’ll be okay. 😊

Story Time

Recently, I have been emotionally attached to a fictional character named Chihiro in the Spirited Away movie. It’s a 2001 Japanese animated fantasy film about a girl who wanders into a magical world. There are a lot of fascinating details in this movie that feels so real. I know it’s radically common to have this kind of sentiment however, this specific film is literally an obsession. No wonder it won an Oscar award.

If you have seen this movie, help me ease my mind and resolve my agony.

1. Some sources online are claiming that there will be no sequel for this movie. How selfish Mr. Miyazaki! We need to know if Chihiro and Haku live up to their promise to meet once again.

2. Felt sad to some of Chihiro friends who were also trapped forever in the spirit world but left no choice since they can’t remember their names

3. What does “Don’t look back!” means??

4. What’s your favorite part of the movie? Mine was 48:28-50:07 in Japanese audio.

5. The pain of leaving Haku not knowing what future await kills me

Origin says that Miyazaki made this movie for regular ten-years-old. And here I am, turning 25 in a couple of months but secretly wishing the movie is a real damn world.  

Tula #1

Kelan ba kita huling nakita?
Hindi ko na maaala
Ang alam ko lang,
miss kita araw araw

Ang dami kong nasulat na tula
Tungkol sayo bawat talata
Ipinapagdasal ka kay Bathala
Hinihiling na makasama ka na

Hind ako mapapagod maghintay Jacob
Dito sa mundong walang sigurado
Alam kong maghihintay ka rin hanggang dulo
Yan ang ating pangako

Aking mahal, may isa lang sana akong hiling
Pede mo ba akong sulatan din?
Okay lang kahit walang lambing
Basta para sa akin

Masayang naghihintay,
Rachel